Don’t Lose your Temper when You Lose a Game!

Don’t Lose your Temper when You Lose a Game!

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

lost-game-6947181.jpg

No one likes to lose, but why do some people have such a hard time with it? We’ve all seen (adult) sports fans freaking out when their team loses, but often adults handle it fine. Children, however, are a different story. While most adults can process that while it's disappointing to lose, they know it's a part of life and maybe they will win the next time. Children, though often don’t think about the broader picture or the future impact and cannot accept defeat.

Does your child ‘lose it’ when they lose? Throwing their gaming controller/sports equipment, screaming, stomping their feet, having a full tantrum when they lose a game? Are they unable to accept defeat or disappointment and overreact in anger? Do the blame the opponent and declare they must have cheated because they cannot take responsibility themselves for the loss? Do you worry taking your child to their sports events that they will lose their temper if they don’t win and it will embarrass you in front of the other team members and parents? If yes to any of these, keep reading!

Here are some reasons children struggle to accept loss in games (“games” refers to video games, board games, and sports games):

  • Child puts a lot of pressure on themselves to do well, often due to anxiety, and sees losing as “failure”.

  • Parents, coaches, others put a lot of pressure on child to win all the time, instead of just ‘do your best and have fun’.

  • Child has low self-esteem and losing confirms their negative view of themselves which is already low.

  • They are teased because of their performance by siblings, peers, friends, bullies, etc

  • Parents, coaches get upset and overreact when their child’s team doesn’t win

  • Child doesn't have the coping skills or emotional maturity to handle disappointment

  • Child/team hasn't been taught good sportsmanship skills.

  • There certainly can be other reasons too.

 

Some strategies to teach your child to handle losing a game better:

  • Remind child that just because they lost doesn't mean they did anything wrong or are a bad person/team because of it

  • Build child’s self-esteem in other ways, if games/sports are not helping or child is just not good at these activities, such as finding other things the child is good at like building, or art for example.

  • Encourage child to do their best, regardless of outcome, and don’t make them feel bad for missing a shot or making a mistake

  • Remind child that everyone wins some and loses some, and they need to just try their best, and it’s okay (if they can’t handle constructive feedback, say nothing, or just point out the positives, until they are more able to handle suggestions for improvement)

  • Model good sportsmanship by handling it well when adult’s preferred professional sports teams lose or do poorly. “We’ll get them next year”.

  • Praise the good as much as possible and focus on that: “You made a good pass” or “You got one goal!”

  • Teach child that if they handle losing well, the opponent/friend is likely to want to play with them again, however if they throw a fit the other person is likely to not want to play with them anymore.

  • Role-play/practice with child on how to react if they win or lose. Have child act out saying “Good Game” at end of game regardless of the results.

  • Try not to focus or mention the score in a game, or even saying who won or lost, but just on how individual did in some moves/plays

  • Also make sure to teach children to be good winners- not bragging, or teasing the other team, but just graciously accepting the result without over-doing their reaction (no show-boating). Make sure they say ‘good game’ regardless, and shake the other team’s hands (if appropriate).

  • Point out how professionals handle loss (look up some good examples online of professional sports players) and point out how professional coaches look for good sportsmanship and want to see that behavior in pros.

  • Teach child emotional regulation skills of recognizing their own emotions and how to handle anger and disappointment (like taking a deep breath, walking away for a minute to collect themselves, thinking about the problem differently) and have child practice and act out these behaviors

  • Purposefully play a game with child where the point is for child to handle losing graciously- tell the child this is the plan. (Adult should try hard to win). Praise the child for handling it well, if they do, or have them try again if they get upset. (May need to remind child how to respond towards end of the game.) If needed, add in an incentive like a small reward if they handle losing without getting upset.

Excellent book resources to read  and discuss with your child:

  • “If Winning isn’t Everything, Why do I hate to Lose?” by Bryan Smith (available on Amazon)

  • “Bubble Gum Brain” by Julia Cook (addresses thinking flexibly, not giving up even if something is hard, handling mistakes, and growing)

  • Search on Amazon for other books on this subject.

 

Quotes:

If you’ve had a good time playing the game, you’re a winner even if you lose
— Malcolm Forbes
It is not up to me whether I win or lose. Ultimately, this might not be my day. And it is that philosophy towards sports, something that I really truly live by. I am emotional. I want to win. I am hungry. I am a competitor. I have that fire. But deep down, I truly enjoy the art of competing so much more than the result.
— Apolo Ohno
First, accept sadness. Realize that without losing, winning isn’t so great.
— Alyssa Milano
There are more important things in life than winning or losing a game.
— Lionel Messi
You learn more from losing than winning. You learn how to keep going.
— Morgan Wooten
Losing a basketball game hurts but when you see what you’ve been through, you look on it and say well if this is the worst thing that can happen to me, then I’m okay.
— LeBron James
I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
— Michael Jordan
You can’t win unless you learn how to lose.
— Kareen Abdul-Jabbar
We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time
— Vince Lombardi
Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming
— John Wooden

Anxiety

anxious child

Anxiety

For kids with severe anxiety I recommend therapy and possibly medication if they can’t get through the day or are having many panic attacks.

While the child might ask you multiple times about various anxious scenarios I would suggest not constantly talking about their sources of anxiety and constantly reassuring them, but instead refer them to a professional therapist. They often may only need a few sessions to start feeling better. They need some reassurances from parents that they are safe/okay, but constantly talking about it can lead to them thinking more about their worries instead of getting them to think about other relaxing thoughts. Don’t tell your child not to worry about things or make them feel bad for having anxiety- it’s not their fault and saying this will just make them feel worse. Help them examine evidence if their fears are irrational to challenge their anxious thoughts. Also ask them how to make them feel better and teach them how to solve their problems. Also help them develop some coping strategies.

Coping strategy suggestions:

·         Take deep breaths from stomach (instead of chest)

·         Picture a relaxing scene/favorite place (often kids pick a vacation, or thinking about their pet)

·         Progressive musical relaxation (tighten and then relax your muscles)

·         Try to change your thoughts by questioning your fears if they are really likely to happen. [For example- if you worry your parents will die, then think- is it really likely? Probably not if you examine the evidence- that they aren’t sick and have never died before. Then you can try to challenge your thought and remember they will likely be fine and you can try to relax].

·         Problem solve:  If your child is asking “What if” this or that happens, ask them to try to think of logical solutions.

Anxiety about going somewhere new

Some kids have a lot of anxiety about going somewhere new (or somewhere they haven't been in a while) or visiting/meeting new people. Some kids may not show their anxiety, but rather internalize it (may be worried but not express it) and other kids express it in different ways. Some kids show this anxiety in the typical way: clinging to mom/dad, crying, refusing to go.  Other kids show this anxiety by throwing a fit or a tantrum. Sometimes parents don't recognize the reason for the tantrum- the child doesn't or can't appropriately express his feelings so they throw a fit.

Tip: Review and prepare. Show the child the website of where you are going (all attractions like museums, zoos, etc have websites with pictures), or show your child pictures of who you are visiting (grandparents for example). Discuss what you will do, what you will see, etc. Explain to the child it’s okay and normal to be a little anxious about doing something new or going somewhere new. Tell the child what the OK reaction should be. Also remind them how they can cope (hug parents, hold their hand, bring their favorite toy). Finally make sure you emphasize the fun part! Remind kids it will be fine.


Some kids do great with "Social Stories" where a story is written with the child in the story and it explains what will happen, what the expected behavior is, and reminds the child they are doing a great job learning whatever the skill is you want them to learn. (Search online for some free available social stories, or you can make one up yourself!)


Here's an example of something you can say to your anxious child before you go, and maybe during the car ride too.  "I know sometimes you (or use "kids" in general if the child gets upset if you specifically focus on them) get a little worried or anxious when going somewhere new. It’s okay, and normal. Even mommies and daddies get anxious sometimes. (You can say if it’s true that you feel a little nervous too).  Remember you can tell me "I feel worried" or "I'm scared" (use whatever feeling word you think your child is most familiar with and would understand) and come give me a hug, or you can hold my hand until you feel comfortable. We're going to do and see lots of fun things (give specific examples, if you can).  I'm sure you will have lots of fun!”

  (If you are leaving the child with a new babysitter for example, explain you will be back very soon and will give lots of hugs and kisses when you return, and you will miss them too.)

[see articles on breathing, preparing for a new school, separation anxiety and depression]

Anxiety - about going new places and separation anxiety

Anxiety about going somewhere new

Some kids have alot of anxiety about going somewhere new (or somewhere they haven't been in a while) or visiting/meeting new people.
Some kids may not show their anxiety, but rather internalize it (may be worried but not express it) and other kids express it in different ways.
Some kids show this anxiety in the typical way: clinging to mom/dad, crying, refusing to go.
Other kids show this anxiety by throwing a fit or a tantrum. Sometime parents don't recognize the reason for the tantrum- the child doesn't or can't appropriately express his feelings so they throw a fit.

Tip: Review and prepare. Show the child the website of where you are going (all attractions like museums, zoos, etc have websites with pictures), or show your child pictures of who you are visiting (grandparents for example). Discuss what you will do, what you will see, etc. Explain to the child its okay and normal to be a little anxious about doing something new or going somewhere new. Tell the child what the OK reaction should be. Also remind them how they can cope (hug parents, hold their hand, bring their favorite toy). Finally make sure you emphasize the fun part! Remind kids it will be fine.
Some kids do great with "Social Stories" where a story is written with the child in the story and it explains what will happen, what the expected behavior is, and reminds the child they are doing a great job learning whatever the skill is you want them to learn. (Search online for some free available social stories, or you can make one up yourself! I'll do another blog post on how to write them soon)

Here's an example of something you can say to your anxious child Before you go, and maybe during the car ride too.  "I know sometimes you (or use "kids" in general if the child gets upset if you specifically focus on them) get a little worried or anxious when going somewhere new. Its okay, and normal. Even mommies and daddies get anxious sometimes. (You can say if its true that you feel a little nervous too).  Remember you can tell me "I feel worried" or "I'm scared" (use whatever feeling word you think your child is most familiar with and would understand) and come give me a hug, or you can hold my hand until you feel comfortable.We're going to do and see lots of fun things (give specific examples if you can).  I'm sure you will have lots of fun!

 (If you are leaving the child with a new babysitter for example, however, explain you will be back very soon and will give lots of hugs and kisses when you return, and you will miss them too.)

Frozen Coping Skills

If your little darling loves Frozen and needs some calm down skills this might be helpful!