Don’t Lose your Temper when You Lose a Game!

Don’t Lose your Temper when You Lose a Game!

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

No one likes to lose, but why do some people have such a hard time with it? We’ve all seen (adult) sports fans freaking out when their team loses, but often adults handle it fine. Children, however, are a different story. While most adults can process that while it's disappointing to lose, they know it's a part of life and maybe they will win the next time. Children, though often don’t think about the broader picture or the future impact and cannot accept defeat.

Does your child ‘lose it’ when they lose? Throwing their gaming controller/sports equipment, screaming, stomping their feet, having a full tantrum when they lose a game? Are they unable to accept defeat or disappointment and overreact in anger? Do the blame the opponent and declare they must have cheated because they cannot take responsibility themselves for the loss? Do you worry taking your child to their sports events that they will lose their temper if they don’t win and it will embarrass you in front of the other team members and parents? If yes to any of these, keep reading!

Here are some reasons children struggle to accept loss in games (“games” refers to video games, board games, and sports games):

• Child puts a lot of pressure on themselves to do well, often due to anxiety, and sees losing as “failure”.

• Parents, coaches, others put a lot of pressure on child to win all the time, instead of just ‘do your best and have fun’.

• Child has low self-esteem and losing confirms their negative view of themselves which is already low.

• They are teased because of their performance by siblings, peers, friends, bullies, etc

• Parents, coaches get upset and overreact when their child’s team doesn’t win

• Child doesn't have the coping skills or emotional maturity to handle disappointment

• Child/team hasn't been taught good sportsmanship skills.

• There certainly can be other reasons too.

Some strategies to teach your child to handle losing a game better:

• Remind child that just because they lost doesn't mean they did anything wrong or are a bad person/team because of it

• Build child’s self-esteem in other ways, if games/sports are not helping or child is just not good at these activities, such as finding other things the child is good at like building, or art for example.

• Encourage child to do their best, regardless of outcome, and don’t make them feel bad for missing a shot or making a mistake

• Remind child that everyone wins some and loses some, and they need to just try their best, and it’s okay (if they can’t handle constructive feedback, say nothing, or just point out the positives, until they are more able to handle suggestions for improvement)

• Model good sportsmanship by handling it well when adult’s preferred professional sports teams lose or do poorly. “We’ll get them next year”.

• Praise the good as much as possible and focus on that: “You made a good pass” or “You got one goal!”

• Teach child that if they handle losing well, the opponent/friend is likely to want to play with them again, however if they throw a fit the other person is likely to not want to play with them anymore.

• Role-play/practice with child on how to react if they win or lose. Have child act out saying “Good Game” at end of game regardless of the results.

• Try not to focus or mention the score in a game, or even saying who won or lost, but just on how individual did in some moves/plays

• Also make sure to teach children to be good winners- not bragging, or teasing the other team, but just graciously accepting the result without over-doing their reaction (no show-boating). Make sure they say ‘good game’ regardless, and shake the other team’s hands (if appropriate).

• Point out how professionals handle loss (look up some good examples online of professional sports players) and point out how professional coaches look for good sportsmanship and want to see that behavior in pros.

• Teach child emotional regulation skills of recognizing their own emotions and how to handle anger and disappointment (like taking a deep breath, walking away for a minute to collect themselves, thinking about the problem differently) and have child practice and act out these behaviors

• Purposefully play a game with child where the point is for child to handle losing graciously- tell the child this is the plan. (Adult should try hard to win). Praise the child for handling it well, if they do, or have them try again if they get upset. (May need to remind child how to respond towards end of the game.) If needed, add in an incentive like a small reward if they handle losing without getting upset.

Excellent book resources to read  and discuss with your child:

• “If Winning isn’t Everything, Why do I hate to Lose?” by Bryan Smith (available on Amazon)

• “Bubble Gum Brain” by Julia Cook (addresses thinking flexibly, not giving up even if something is hard, handling mistakes, and growing)

• Search on Amazon for other books on this subject.

Quotes:

“If you’ve had a good time playing the game, you’re a winner even if you lose”

— Malcolm Forbes

“It is not up to me whether I win or lose. Ultimately, this might not be my day. And it is that philosophy towards sports, something that I really truly live by. I am emotional. I want to win. I am hungry. I am a competitor. I have that fire. But deep down, I truly enjoy the art of competing so much more than the result. ”

— Apolo Ohno

“First, accept sadness. Realize that without losing, winning isn’t so great. ”

— Alyssa Milano

“There are more important things in life than winning or losing a game. ”

— Lionel Messi

“You learn more from losing than winning. You learn how to keep going. ”

— Morgan Wooten

“Losing a basketball game hurts but when you see what you’ve been through, you look on it and say well if this is the worst thing that can happen to me, then I’m okay.”

— LeBron James

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

— Michael Jordan

“You can’t win unless you learn how to lose. ”

— Kareen Abdul-Jabbar

“We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time”

— Vince Lombardi

“Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming”

— John Wooden

Aggression in Children and How to Handle it

Aggression- how to decrease behaviors

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

Aggression in children is really difficult. From yelling to hitting, its very disruptive and sometimes even dangerous. Especially as the child gets older it becomes more of a safety concern. A 3 yr old hitting a parent is not that big of a problem, but a 13 yr old could really hurt someone.

To solve this problem we need to figure out why it is happening. Here are some possible causes:

-Child cannot manage their emotions (needs coping strategies), gets easily angry, anxious, frustrated, etc

-Child cannot effectively communicate (hasn't developed full speech due to age or speech delay, or autism)

-Child has a mental health diagnosis (autism, bipolar, ODD, …)

-Child has observed and copied aggression from older siblings, parents, violent TV

-Child is very impulsive (can’t stop and control themselves)

-Child has discovered that this gets them what they want from others  (example: if they hit then people leave them alone, if they yell then dad gives in, etc)

-Child gets attention from their behavior (even though it is negative, some children still want this attention).

-Other reasons…

For some children there may be a combination of reasons. Sometimes the reason is easy to discover but other times it may be more complicated. Collecting data (writing down the behaviors and what happened before and after) and doing an FBA (Functional Behavior Analysis) can be helpful. Ask your child’s teacher or behavioral therapist about how to do one if it is difficult to figure out the ‘why’ for the behaviors.

To correct the behavior we want to teach the child a combination of better coping strategies and a more effective way to get what they want.

For example: if they get angry easily when their sibling takes their toy we want to teach them to calm down, and also the skill of asking for the toy nicely, or asking a parent for help. If the child wants attention then teaching the child a more appropriate way such as saying “Mom, play with me!” instead of hitting would be helpful. Also the parent should ignore the inappropriate behavior until the child does the expected response.

If the child is copying others aggressive behavior- whether in person or on TV shows/games/ etc it is important to limit this exposure. If the parents are showing aggression such as yelling and hitting children, then it's likely the child will copy this as well. If the parents can try to be more patient and handle their frustrations in a more appropriate coping way, this can greatly help the child. Parents may want to seek therapy on their own, or try anger management groups, or even medication to help, if they are really struggling with depression for example. If older siblings are exhibiting aggression it is helpful to try to get them some more help and teaching the younger child to not copy those behaviors. If the child is watching violent TV shows, movies, video games, eliminate or at least reduce the frequency the child is exposed to that. If the child resists, explain that if they reduce their aggression they can slowly return to those games/shows etc. Pay attention to the ratings on games and shows however and the child’s age.

For cursing- if it’s in conjunction with anger and aggression, use same strategies already listed to teaching better coping behaviors, but besides that mostly ignore it, or teach a silly replacement word “peanut butter jelly sticks!” The more attention you give the curse word, the more powerful they become. You can tell them not to say that word and maybe even why, and if necessary punish for it, but if you make a huge deal about it (such as yelling and lecturing) it will likely make it worse. Also make sure parents and older siblings are refraining from using those words completely. Even if parents tell child not to say a word, if they are saying it themselves, the child will still learn it and repeat it. With any behavior, parents need to model good behavior and not to do anything they would not want their child to do (for the most part). Sometimes an old fashioned ‘swear jar’ is helpful. The person that says the bad word is ‘fined’ and has to pay real money into the jar.When the jar is full some families will use it for a fun activity, sometimes the money would go to the non-swearing person, or maybe the family would donate it to a charity.

Make sure the child’s aggressive behavior is not getting them what they want. If they are hitting their sibling to get them to leave them alone, and its effective, that is going to maintain the behavior. Try to teach the sibling to respond better and quicker and teach the aggressive child to request space in a better way. If the aggressive behavior is getting them the attention or item they want from parents, parents need to try hard to not give in. Even though it makes the screaming stop now, it will just make the behavior worse the next time if you give in.

If the child has not developed appropriate speech, due to age or delays, it maybe be helpful to teach a simple hand gesture/sign language to use to communicate. Maybe a clap means ‘Can I have it?’ or a hand tap means ‘I need help’. Ask your child’s speech therapist for some ideas to figure out what will work best for your child’s speech needs.

For kids who don’t have good coping strategies have them write up a list (or draw) several things they can do when they are angry and then hang the list in a well-trafficked area in the home (living room or kitchen is usually good). The list should be visible because when someone is angry they are not going to go searching for a paper in a drawer to figure out what to do. The strategies can include deep breathing, walking away/ignoring, asking parents for help, doing something fun to distract yourself, and remembering to ask nicely for things. There are many coping strategy lists that can be found online. The key is to find which ones work best for your child and to have your child identify these as well. The more the child is involved in identifying the strategies the more likely the child will use them.  Also have the child act out the appropriate coping strategy when they are in a good mood, as a role play, or after they made a poor choice to reenact making a better choice.

Try giving a reward to the child for using a strategy. For example if the child takes a deep breath instead of hitting mom, or stops screaming by deciding to go chill out in their room, give them a piece of candy, access to a special toy, or extra ipad time for making a good choice. Praise your child for calming down, whether it took 10 seconds or 1 hour, immediately praise them when they are calm so they associate positive attention with calming down.

Try behavioral charts. Children are often not motivated to make a better choice internally - it’s easier for them, or not big deal for them to yell and hit versus breathe and ask nicely. But if you sweeten the deal by offering candy, toys, extra time, other privileges then they are more likely to make the better choice. Some kids will need the reinforcement reward immediately and some can wait until the end of the day or week. Think about your child’s needs and personality to figure out the immediacy of rewards. If you aren't sure how to do this seek out a behavioral therapist who is experienced in this and can help you. Once your child learns the strategies to handle their feelings more appropriately they are likely to reduce aggression and you can fade out the behavior chart, or use the rewards to target another behavior.

Sometimes if the child is so out of control and aggressive they have to be restrained. Parents can learn appropriate ways to restrain their children (ask the school, doctor, or a therapist). If the child is in danger to themselves or others it is okay to restrain them until they are calm and in control again. The police and mental health crisis workers can also be helpful in these situations. If aggression is a regular occurrence, behavioral interventions are not effective, and the behaviors are fairly severe, medication may be necessary. Talk to your child’s doctor or seek a child psychiatrist for help.

Helpful Links:

Swear Jar: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swear_jar

Child Restraining: https://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/courses/rd/toolbox/rdtool-37.html

Causes of Aggression:

https://childmind.org/article/aggression-in-children-causes/

Handling aggressive behavior:

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-manage-aggressive-child-behavior/

Taming Aggression and Coping for parents:

http://www.parentingscience.com/aggression-in-children.html

Anger Strategies (Other helpful blog articles)

I hate you!

When your kid says “I hate you!”
by, Patience Domowski, LCSW

When your kid says “I hate you!” and how to handle it…

1)      Remember you’re not alone. Many kids say this at some point to their parents.

2)      Recognize they usually don’t mean it. Knowing they don’t mean it and it’s not personal can help parents feel better about themselves and also not overreact. Instead of getting hurt or angry, recognize that your child is really trying to communicate something.

3)      Realize it’s a lack of skill. They don’t know how to express their frustration properly. Teach them by modeling the correct feelings words, giving them space to calm down and later discussing with them how they could’ve handled that situation differently.

Usually when kids say “I hate you” or similar mean things like “I want a different family!”, “You’re the worst parent”, etc… they are really trying to say “I don’t like the answer you gave me”, “I’m upset I'm not getting what I want”, or “I’m mad/frustrated/etc”.

Instead of saying “We don’t say Hate” or “You don’t mean that” or “You’re hurting my feelings” etc try saying this instead: “Sounds like you’re frustrated. Can you say “I’m really mad!” or “I don’t like that!” Model it for your child and hopefully they will copy you in the moment and then remember next time how to handle it.

4)      Teach empathy. Talk to them later about how they would feel if someone said “I hate you” to them when they really didn’t mean it. Even if they apologized later. Explain how it makes parents feel. Talk to the child about their feelings and teach them to identify some better coping strategies.

5)      Train kids to change their thoughts from Negative to Positive. Instead of seeing the bad sides to situations, help the child identify the positive sides of the situation. Over time they will better be able to handle disappointments.

Here's a link to a list of great responses!

Coping strategies

Coping skills List
by, Patience’s Behavior Therapy

It’s good for kids to have their own list of coping strategies hung up in the home or within easy access, for anxiety and anger. Here are some examplesand ideas for your list.

Here’s a list of things that can help calm you down when angry:

•      take a deep breath

•      count to ten

•      go to a quiet space (like your room) to calm down

•      walk away from what is making you mad

•      listen to music

•      take a walk/exercise/dance

•      pet your dog/cat

•      ask for a hug

•      draw/writewhat you’re mad about and then rip it up and throw it away

Here’s a list of ways to fix anger problems:

•      think about it differently

•      try to find the positive

•      try to understand the other person’s perspective

•      problem solve

•      talk calmly with the person who is upsetting me

•      remember “if I’m nice, than people are more likely to give me what I want”

•      If I do what I’m told quickly I have more fun free time and won’t be as grumpy

•      try to get enough sleep and enough to eat

Calming strategies for Anxiety

·         deep breaths

·         try to think of the positive/realistic situation

·         use logic

·         progressive muscle relaxation

·         listen to music

·         think of a happy place/time/memory

·         draw a picture

·         talk to someone

Click here for a downloadable printable list

Breathing exercises to help calm kids down

Taking DEEP SLOW breaths are important to help teach your brain and body to relax. These breathing exercises are great for kids with anxiety as well as anger or any strong emotion. 

Download this list of breathing exercises! Print out and hang up in your child's calm down spot to help them remember how to relax! 

Breathing exercises for Anxiety or Anger to help kids calm down. 

Depression Coping strategies

Note: Depression in children often looks different than depression in teens and adults. Instead of constant sadness, unable to function, crying, and suicidal thoughts, a child may be angry often, easily upset, grumpy/irritable most of the time, doesn't find things fun, complains often, and sometimes aggressive behaviors as well. For a diagnosis please see your child's pediatrician, or a licensed therapist. 

Some suggestions for depression:

·         Try to do something fun every day even if you don’t feel like it!

·         Incorporate exercise into your routine

·         Go to bed and get up on a regular schedule and try to eat balanced meals

·         Look for evidence that your negative thoughts are true. [For example if your thoughts are “I'm unlovable” then change that thought to “Is it true no one loves me? Oh wait, my mom does” so then you realize your thought isn’t true.]

Anger Management

Helping your child calm their anger ~  Strategies for parents

~ by, Patience Domowski, LCSW

·         Remind your child it’s okay to be angry but they need to make good choices when angry

·         Make a list with your child of anger coping strategies and post it somewhere easy to see in the home

·         Model using anger calming strategies for your child and let them know you are using the strategy. (For example: “I am really angry right now that you colored on the walls. I am going to take some deep breaths to calm down.” or “I am really angry that you lied to me about your homework. I am going to go to my room to calm down and then we can talk about it later.”)

·         Name your child’s anger so they can recognize how they feel and also empathize with them. Just acknowledging the feeling can be helpful. Then offer a solution, if possible. (For example: “You seem really angry. I know its upsetting when your brother doesn’t want to play with you. It’s okay to be upset. Let’s figure out what we can do instead!”)

·         Notice what sets your child off and try to avoid it if possible. For example: If telling your child “No” makes them angry try saying “Yes, after_______” if they can have what they want after they finish something you want them to do (behavior, homework, chores, et)

·         Notice when your child is starting to escalate and bring it to their attention that they should use a calming strategy or if you know a situation is about to occur during which your child is likely to be upset prepare them to use a proper coping skill beforehand (For example: “I have to tell you something that will probably make you mad, please try to make a good choice and take a deep breath and let’s figure it out. Okay here is the news…”)

·         If your child needs time away to calm down- give them space instead of yelling at them. If you think it’s rude for them to walk away and if they cannot ask for space politely, try a “code word” which lets you both know you need some space to calm down. The word should be silly and respected if used.

·         Try a simple reward to help give your child an incentive to use their calming strategies such as a piece of candy if they use a strategy, or they get out of the something if they calm down, for example

·         Tell your child when they are calm we will discuss how to problem solve the situation

·         Try not to give them attention for making poor choices but more attention when they make good choices. Praise your child for making a good choice by calming down and focus on that good choice versus the other angry behaviors