Goal setting

Goal Setting

By Patience Domowski

If you don’t know what you’re aiming for, how will you know if you hit it? I remember my dad saying this to a class he was teaching on how to teach. He was discussed making lesson plans for a classroom. I think this also applies to life goals. How will we know if we’ve achieved something or gotten where we want to go, if we don’t make a plan or know what we want?

Often in my work with children and young adults who are unmotivated to do their homework, school assignments, prepare for the future, get a job, etc I help them identify goals and things they want in their future. By just focusing on the things that bother them about their current situation in life, it will further depress them and make them continue to not make progress. However if you focus on something you really want that may be in the near or distant future, you will be more motivated to take the steps to get there.

If you, or your child, or anyone you know, is feeling stuck and not doing the things they know they need to do, try these strategies for making goals and accomplishing them. After they make a goal worksheet and plan, connect their future goals to things they need to do now in order to motivate them. If someone wants a certain career, they need to start with trying hard in school as a child. If someone wants to buy something that costs alot of money, they need to start finding ways to make more money now- job, or selling items, cutting costs, etc. There is always something to start with now, even if the overall goal is a long time off.

Steps to achieving goals:

1) Identify a Goal! 

a) It can be a big or long term goal like ‘Own my own company’, or something smaller like ‘Pass Math class this quarter’.

b) It should be a goal that is something you really want- not just what you parents want or you think you should want. You won’t achieve a goal you don’t care about. You might not be super passionate about it at first, or feel the goal is too far in the future to care enough about, but trying to identify anything to start with will help you get more motivated to try in the little things now that will get you closer to your goal.

c) The goal should be concrete. Abstract goals like ‘Be famous’ or ‘Be successful’ are okay to start with but then you need to add concrete plans underneath that with more specifics such as if the goal is ‘Be a famous singer’ then add a more specific statement so you know you have achieved this goal such as  ‘Have my song played on the radio’.

d)The goal should be achievable. While you might not know now if you can pass Algebra, or become a football player, try to think realistically if this is possible. Do you want be a doctor but failed every biology class and can’t stand the sight of blood? That might be not a legitimate goal. Or saying you want to be a professional sports player but your coach doesn't think you’re really quite at that level of talent. So try to think of something more likely or even something similar like ‘Work in the Sports industry’, or ‘Have a career helping people’.

e) Write it down. (Or draw it, cut out pictures and make a vision board, other creative options).

2) Write an approximate date to achieve the goal.

a) You may not know when this will happen, but set an approximate time frame to accomplish the goal, such as ‘End of the school year’, ‘in Five years’, ‘after I graduate college’.  Giving a time frame will help you stick to the goal better than a ‘sometime in the far away future’ that may feel too abstract to even start working on yet.

b) If you aren’t sure about what date to place, can ask someone else for ideas of when they think you might achieve the goal.

3) Identify the steps to achieve your overall goal.

a) Write the steps down in an order of what needs to happen first, second, third, or just things that have to happen to get to the goal, if order doesn't matter. (To start, just jot down all your ideas and then go back and put them into a more sensible order.)

b) Steps should be specific, if possible. Example: ‘Do my homework’ to get to goal of passing this school year, or ‘pick three colleges/jobs to apply to’ if you are working towards planning a future college/career plans. Be as specific as possible, but can use more general ideas if needed. For example “Get into college” is general, but naming a specific college is better, but if you don’t know which college yet, general is fine. “Get a job”, is general, but more specific would be to name some job options you want to explore like ‘Get a job in an office setting’ or ‘Apply to plumbing jobs’.

c) If you don’t know what steps you need to get to your goal ask for help. Look online, ask your parents/teachers/friends, seek consulting from an expert if needed. (see step 4 below).

d) The in-between steps are the most important ways to make it to the overall goal. Make as many steps as needed. Sometimes there are only 1-3 steps to a goal, and may just take a few days or weeks, sometimes there may be 20 steps and may take years, but try to identify as many as you can think of, leave some space in case you need to add more in later.

e) To motivate yourself for a far off goal try to apply things in your current life to how it can help in the future. For example, if the overall goal is ‘Be my own boss at a company’, but you’re still in elementary/middle school then beginning steps may be ‘Study hard and get good grades in school’, and ‘Learn leadership skills and take leadership roles in clubs/activities’ now, or ‘Ask entrepreneurs I know about their experiences’, ‘Keep my things organized’, ‘Do volunteer work’, and other things that may relate.

f) Write target dates/approximate time frames next to each step, if applicable. The target date can be a time frame like ‘Next week’ or ‘Senior Year’, it doesn't have to be an exact day. Examples: ‘Ask my teacher about___on ___(Monday/date)’, or ‘Take the SAT’ by ___(December of Junior year)’.  Some steps may be ongoing, so write ‘daily’ or ‘as needed’, or when another step is completed, as your “date” like ‘Read my motivation posters Daily’, ‘Ask parents for help As Needed’, or ‘Shop for a car, once I have x amount saved’.

4) Identify people who can help you if needed.

a) Parents/Family, Friends, Teachers, counselors, networking people, consultants, etc. - write down specifically who, not just ‘teachers’ in general, if you can.

b) Write down who can help with which step, or who can help overall.

c) If you don’t know who can help, list anyone who has been helpful in the past that you can rely on,also  ask on social media for your contacts to suggest people such as ‘Hey friends I need someone who can give me advice on buying a car’, or ‘does anyone know who I can ask for help with getting a job?’

d) List their contact info, if needed, on your goal worksheet

5) Write down some positive motivational words, phrases, thoughts, etc that will help you get towards your goal.

a) If you’re artsy, draw some pictures, or put some stickers on your worksheet.

b) Make a poster or something motivating to hang on your wall in your room. Teens looking forward to college may want to hang a poster/banner of their future college logo on their bedroom wall. Adults who want to achieve a professional career position may post a picture or words that remind them of this goal on a bulletin board/vision board, or a photo that reminds them of what motivates them, such as a family member, or friend,

After you’ve written your goal plan, get started with Step 1 on your list towards your goal! Remember if you get stuck and are not sure what to do next- ask for help. Others can give you lots of advice. If you struggle with getting motivated even to start, ask someone you know will help you to encourage you and help you along so that you can get started. Remember you will NEVER reach your goal if you don’t make a plan and then start to follow your plan. Goals don’t just ‘happen’, you have to make them happen!

Goal Worksheet - Free Download to use. 

Making Friends at a New School

Making Friends at a New School

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

Starting at a new school can be so hard for kids! Whether it’s the start of a normal school transition like Kindergarten, or beginning of middle or high school, or starting in the middle somewhere because you moved to a new district, it’s really difficult. It’s normal to be nervous and not happy about it.

You’re the ‘new kid’ like it or not, and everyone already has friends and a group, so you automatically feel left out. While some kids can be welcoming and friendly it can still be difficult or take a while to find your niche. Here are some helpful tips:

• Be friendly, even if you’re naturally shy, and introduce yourself to people. Smile and look happy, even if you don’t really feel that way. People are automatically attracted to happy and friendly looking people.

• Try to sit with others and interact with them. Acknowledge you are new and ask for insight and help (even if you don’t really need it). You can start with ‘Hey, I’m new here, can you tell me about this teacher?’, or ‘What do you think of the cafeteria food here?’, or ‘How do I find the library?’. Often people appreciate being asked for help and will engage with you.

• Ask for someone to show you around the school. The principal may have already set this up. Maybe the person who shows you around may become a friend, if not they can at least introduce you to other people. If they don’t automatically do so you can ask them to introduce you.

• Join any clubs, activities, programs, sports you may be interested in. If you aren’t sure what you’d like to participate in, try a few out and see what you like. Finding others with similar interests is a great way to make new friends.

• If you find someone you think would make a great friend try inviting them to come see your new house, or hang out sometime. If they say they are busy ask when is a good time. If they keep putting you off, move on to someone else.

• If you make one friend, try to meet their already existing friends and connect with them too.

• If your parents allow have a party at your house and invite everyone. Whomever comes, try to talk to them and secure future plans.

• In some elementary schools there is a ‘buddy bench’ to sit on at recess if you need a friend. If you sit there other kids will come around and ask you to play.

• If the school is really cliquey recognize it’s not your fault, and keep trying. Remember it can take a while sometimes, but you’ll get there.

• Be okay with just one or two friends. Your friend group will slowly grow if you want it to, but it doesn't have to be the same amount as at your previous school.

• If it’s not going well, ask the teacher or school counselor for help.

---

Helpful Book for Elementary and Middle school age children for making and keeping friends:

Lily Makes Friends, by Patience Domowski. Available on Amazon.

Helpful tips for anxiety when starting at a new school.

Using a Fidget properly

How to use a fidget toy properly
by, Patience Domowski, LCSW

Fidgets can be really helpful for kids with ADHD, Anxiety, Sensory issues, etc, however they MUST be used properly to help you stay Focused or else they will just distract you further. Here are the Fidget Rules: 

1)      It should be kept in your lap or inside your desk.

2)      You should be looking at the teacher, or focusing on your work on your desk, not looking at the fidget.

If you start to look at the fidget, are thinking about the toy instead of your class, or if the fidget becomes distracting to others around you- it is NOT being used properly and becomes a distracter instead of a helper. If that happens the teacher may take it away for a little while and then give you another chance later.

Bullying, or not?

Bullying is a hot term these days with "Zero Tolerance" school policies, etc. However sometimes kids get confused if someone is just 'being mean' or really 'bullying' them. Also some kids tattle on anything mean that is done, and other kids are afraid its not worth telling on even when they are being really bullied. So to figure out if your child is being bullied or not have them answer these questions on the Bullying Vs Meanness worksheet. Also if they are having difficulty figuring out when to tell or tattle see that decision worksheet and blog post on that topic.

College Choices

When your kid picks a college/career choice you don’t approve of…
by Patience Domowski, LCSW

So your kiddo is all grown up. And now they are ready to spread their wings. But you aren’t quite ready to let them leave the nest yet. You’re really struggling to accept their choices perhaps, or you just want to slam down the hammer and tell them they have to listen to you. You want to protect them, you want the best for them, and you know more than they do too. But it often causes a lot of arguing and upset between parents and emerging young adult and makes the distance between you even farther apart.

Let’s think about their point of view. We all value our freedom and ability to make choices. Children have very limited choices and very limited freedom. Most kids can’t pick their school, teacher, class, etc as a child…until college. Now they suddenly have a lot of choices and a lot more freedom. They can pick their major, future career choice, college location, etc. They want to make their own choices, and parents also want to help them make their best choices too.

Often parents will be firm and tell their kids which college they have to attend or just give them a short list to pick from whether its about where the college is located (close/far from home, suburbs or urban), type of school (private, religious, public, etc), as well as what to major in, where to live (on campus/dorm, in an apartment, or at home with family), etc.

The problem is when your child disagrees and parent stands firm opposite them it will just drive a large wedge between you and really mess up the relationship. In order to continue to have a good relationship with your child you should try to hear their side/viewpoint, don’t just argue but really listen. You should present your reasons factually, not emotionally. And in the end let your young adult child make their own choice, because now they are becoming an adult and need to make their own choices and learn from them.

Maybe they will fail and come back to you crying that they learned their lesson. Maybe they will do great and surprise you. Either way it’s a good learning experience. While college and major is important it’s not going to ‘ruin’ their life to pick the ‘wrong’ one. Sometimes kids have to come home or switch schools after first semester/freshman year. And that’s okay. Try not to gloat if you were right, but lovingly welcome them back and help them figure out what to do next. 

Starting at a new school

Anxiety about starting at a new school

Tips ~ by, Patience Domowski, LCSW

1)   Tour the school alone (or with friends/family) [call office and ask]

2)   Attend orientation/group tour events – meet teachers and classmates

3)   Ask school if can come visit when no one is around during summer

Teens:

-get class schedule early

-chart route for classes

-practice walking the route

Kids:
                   -find out who teacher is
                   -check out the classroom
                   -play on the playground during summer

4)   Try to meet the guidance counselor over the summer [or beginning of school year. The school counselor is a great resource to go to when anxious at school]

5)   Try to make a friend before school starts- meet people at orientation, find out who in your neighborhood attends your school, or ask counselor to pair you up with someone

6)   Remember it will be fine. It will be fun. Try to look on the positive side. 

Pencil Problems

I made this to attach pencil to desk for student who drops their pencil alot. ADHD kids tend to have their pencil fall off their desk several times a day !!

Fidgets for Focus

Fidgety at school

Here's a tip: if your kid is fidgeting and having trouble staying seated or focused at school... Try a fidget toy like a squishy ball for him to hold. Of course if he throws it or gets out of his seat, take away the toy.

Give me Five- a popular phrase for teaching listening

ADHD tips for teachers

Impulse Control

—  Teach child to control impulses using games like Simon Says

—  Remind them to STOP and THINK

—  Raise your hand silently as a cue to raise hand if child is calling out and wait to call on them until they raise their hand (ignore them if they call out)

Reduce Distractions

—  Eliminate/avoid distractions in the room as much as possible

—  Sit ADHD child in FRONT of the class so they avoid distractions such as other students

—  Sit child so they do NOT face window, doors, highly decorated areas of the room

—  Sit away from toys and computers

—  Use a file folder “office” to block distractions

—  For tests sit in quiet section like back of room where less children are around

Keeping organized and on task

—  Many kids with ADHD cannot keep themselves regulated in If you can’t keep things regulated/organized INTERNALLY (in your head) you have to do so EXTERNALLY such as using calendars, to do lists, charts, sticky note reminders, etc

—  Help kids stay on task using Timers (www.timetimer.com),  make reminder notes, have visual schedules, mark backpack/folders with reminder notes, completion checklists, picture schedule of the day, and other visual reminders

Reward systems/motivators

—  Often children with ADHD, and ODD, and other behavior disorders (Autism, Disruptive Behavior Disorder, etc) do not have the internal motivation or desire to want to perform well, please parents/teachers, or achieve/succeed within themselves.  (Let’s face it we all have those days we’d rather play than work or learn! ) So they need EXTERNAL MOTIVATORs such as incentive/reward charts, tokens, behavior systems, earned allowance, etc. Basically find out what they want and then help them get that with doing the expected/preferred behavior.

—  Reward systems/charts should be individualized, tailored to child’s wants, needs and interests. If child is NOT interested/doesn’t want the reward, its too hard to achieve, or its not related to them, they are highly unlikely to utilize it and actually do what you are requesting.

—  Rewards DO NOT have to be Toys/Food (tangible) they can be –extra time, -special choice, -extra attention, -computer time at end of the day, -stickers, -coloring pages they enjoy, etc

—  For younger children small token/reward charts work great. Make it achievable. They should be able to earn in an hour or day if they are very young, or weekly for kids who are a little older or have achieved daily rewards already.

—  Older children should earn tickets/money/chips to cash in for prizes/rewards/ privileges

Other helpful tips

—  place child closer to front of room, sit student next to a calmer student or away from distractions, call on child often to answer questions, or repeat back information, sit child in a chair versus on the floor

—  Tap their desk/call name while teaching to get their attention

—  Have them run errands/be helper for class to get out extra energy

Remind of expected behavior and establish reasonable consequences

—  Tell children the expected behavior and the consequences if they don’t follow it – should be clear and concise. Remember if its simple they are more likely to hear it! For example “We are going to play musical chairs now. If you don’t follow the rules and get “out” when told, you can’t play the game again when we play next time” or “Now its time for art. If you splash the paint on the floor on purpose, you will have to sit out”.

Other disruptive behavior tips

—  Out of seat on carpet/crawling around:

                                -try a chair, carpet square, move away a little from the group

·         Talking to peers next to them:

- move them away from that peer, put them next to calmer/quieter kids (boy/girl/boy/girl can work)

·         Fidgeting:

- try a fidget toy to hold (if that toy becomes distracter, take it away until they focus, then return toy to them to see if that helps. If not, fidget toys won’t work. )

-Sit on a fidget seat (School’s OT consultant should have one), exercise ball, or bean bag for extra sensory input.

—  Butting in line/pushing children in line:

- put child at front or back of line, or several feet from others in line, remind of consequence “keep hands to yourself or you will have to go to back of line/lose recess/etc”

·         Have child take a walk/movement activity before having to sit for a while 

—  Wandering around/not transitioning to correct center/activity:

- small chart/list of centers to choose from. They mark off each center they complete on the list.

—  Not staying on task in the center:

                                - timer or task completion checklist

—  Waiting/transition time - fidgeting/touching others/etc:

                                -suggest a wait game or sing songs during that time

Classroom Rewards and Consequences  for everyone

—  Can be individuals earning stickers/rewards/tokens or whole class/group earns a collective prize:

For example if everyone is quiet they get extra 5 minutes recess, or if they are following directions all week, they get a special activity on Friday

—  Consequences could include sitting out of the activity, not being able to sit with a certain peer, losing a toy or other privilege, and call to parents 

Remember:

—  Be Consistent (keep rules the same)

—  Be Fair (don’t always have one child be in trouble if several are doing same behaviors)

—  Give Consequences/Follow through! (if you said it would be the consequence- then make sure it is! Child will learn from that and not keep making same mistakes!)

—  Use Rewards !! (makes everyone more happy!)

Keep Working Slider

I made this "Keep Working" Slider for a client to help encourage him to continue to do homework and school work instead of needing alot of prompting from teacher/parents (He has one at home and school). The teacher can put the little bead on the "Get Started" far Left side, and then slide it along as he continue to work. When the bead reaches the far Right side he is finished and earns reward (snack, draw a picture, sticker, play time, etc). I think it will work!